Azumangaville
by Hwikek
Summary: Two teenage girls move from the big lights to live with their Auntie Tanazaki in a pleasant community. Unfortunately for the residents of this quiet neighborhood, the new arrivals will stir up a mess of troubles in a horribly funny manner.


The morning sun rose over the house. Light passed through the window making four lit rectangles on the wall. There was a faint breeze that stirred the air outside, leaves gave a slight rustle as they tried to stand up to the wind. The start of the day was what could only be called normal. However "normalcy", as Waren G. Harding put it, is fleeting and as two young girls walked down the stairs that became clearer and clearer.

"Hi girls, how's everyone this morning?"

"Fine Auntie, um, how are you?"

"Hey old bitch! Where the hell is my breakfast? Yo Auntie my breakfast? Does Tanazaki stand for forgetful or something o' you just stupid?"

"I know you two are from Los Angeles but we don't say words like bitch in this house."

"Auntie you said the word bitch one hundred times yesterday!"

"Bitch hush your mouth. Just what the hell does that have to do with anything Tomo?"

"Um, I think I'll just go for a walk..."

"Before breakfast?"

"Well if'n she's goin' on a walk then I'm goin' with her because I sure ain't sticking around here with yo' boring ass Auntie." But with a yelp Tomo was dragged backwards as I walked out the front door. I told Auntie that I'd be back soon but I don't think she heard me. Not when she was busy hitting Tomo.

My name is Sakaki. I moved here with my cousin, Tomo, my mom and dad wanted me to come here. Where I lived before in L.A. wasn't a very good place. It was a pretty bad neighborhood. I'm glad that I'm here now.

My cousin Tomo lived in a good part of the city. Because her family is rich, they decided that she needed to live somewhere without so many bad influences, though most of those influences were actually just all of the movies and Internet sites she visited. And since she was rich and loved all of those mob movies, Tomo wanted to be a gangster. Her favorite part of history was the 1920s when Al Capone, her idol, made all of his money. It's no surprise that Auntie and Uncle Takino were happy to send her across the country, especially since she had been trying to join a local street gang but didn't because the "Popo" had shown up...the station was only five blocks away. I guess the gang members weren't too bright.

Our families had us move in with our Auntie Yukari Tanazaki. I'd always been curious as to who she was. I'd been under the impression that she was a lesbian for a while but it turns out that she just can't get a date who will stay with her for very long. Auntie had gone to school, but that was mostly because her mom had forced her to get good grades in high school and there were rumors that she had almost been kicked out of college due to her low grades. She managed to win a lawsuit against the Wal*Mart corporation for tripping on a spilled Pepsi that an employee had poured on the floor as a way to piss off the store manager. Even though Auntie hadn't actually fallen down or been injured in any way, she was related to Uncle Takino so the courts decided in her favor earning her a $250,000,000 settlement that had originally been planned to be spent upon the Waldenses family reunion. Auntie was considered to be a good influence for us, but, in hindsight, I think our parents made a mistake. Sorry Auntie.

"Hi Sakaki!"

"Oh, hi."

"What are you doing out and about today? Where's Tomo, she's in my math class and she said she wanted to talk to me about what we were supposed to do for homework."

"Okay." That was all I could really say to her, I have trouble talking to people. Nervousness.

"Where do you two live? I could just go over there and tell her what page it is."

"Oh, we live...down the street, it's the yellow house with the Porche." It sounded like the words barely came out of my mouth and I didn't know if anyone had heard them.

"Okay, bye Sakaki."

"Bye Kaorin."

We waved good bye. I'm not too sure who she is. All I know for sure is that she's shorter than I am. That's something that's always bothered me. I've never been cute. I've always looked tall, dark, scary. I'm not like that at all though. That's why I jumped at the offer to leave Compton, I hope mom and dad don't miss me too much.

"Hey Sakaki you're finally back? Sorry but I don't think there's a lot of breakfast left." I nodded as Auntie told me this. I should have come back sooner, my stomach felt pretty empty.

"If you want I can whip you up a omelet or something."

"Oh, that's okay Auntie, I'll, make some toast."

"Oh it's no trouble. You're such a good girl, so well behaved. A whole lot better than you're dumbass cousin Tomo. Friend of hers came over actually to tell her about homework or something—I think she's still here." Auntie then started to make me a few pancakes. I thanked her after I was done and went up to my room to begin working on the homework due tomorrow. It's a little longer now in high school but I have to get it done.

"Oh hell no! This is not happening!"

"Bitch I told you to shut the hell up a long time ago! Why on Earth are you still going on about this shit?"

"But we have to have one Auntie! What if the 5-Oh come 'n' bust the door down? What we gon' do then? We have to fill up their asses with—"

"Tomo, are you out of your goddamn mind? Why on Earth would the...who did you say?"

"The Po-Po!"

"The _what?_

"The cops, dumb bi— Ow!" Auntie gave Tomo a smack that nearly spun her entire body around.

"Now listen, if you behave good Tomo, I'll buy you a BB gun," said Auntie as I entered the room.

"Whoa really? Okay then I'll want you to get me a KWA, a KM16 or maybe one of those new ones with the built in rails!"

"How much is this gonna cost me?" Auntie asked cousin Tomo.

"Four hundred—"

"Hell no! If I'm gonna spend that kind of money it'll be one a real gun, maybe a Glock or something."

"Aw hell yeah! If I get good grades you should get me an Uzi!"

"Bitch stop saying stupid shit like that, I am not some irresponsible moron!"

"You forgot to give us breakfast one morning!"

"Bitch hush it was only a fluke! No why don't you two get ready for the party we're going to?"

We'd been invited to the property of the richest family in the entire city, the Mihamas. They nearly owned the entire city and they were well known for their thilanthropics. The party was being held to celebrate the return of a family member from the frontlines of Afghanistan where she'd survived an ambush when she'd been attacked by two platoons of Taliban soldiers by calling in for an AC-130 to blow up an entire city block with its Howitser. She'd then fought the remaining insurgents on her own earning a medal for killing twelve wounded men and one that was still able to fight that she killed with her bare hands by beating him to death with his own AK-47. I had my doubts about the story but then I realized that it didn't really matter. Auntie said the only reason we were going was to give her a chance to find a nice young man to have sex with, I was careful not to comment, though it sounded too...I really don't know what to think.

The garden party had everyone looking their best. We were all waiting for the young woman to come out, she's the guest of honor after all.

"Hello everyone! I'm Chiyo Mihama, the owner of Mihama Corp and CEO of MHM Industries. We're all here today to welcome back my niece who served overseas in Afghanistan and the Philipines in order to stop extremist groups, please welcome, Kagura!"

A polite applause greeted the woman as she walked out from inside of a small tent. She had a tan from her time spent overseas, one that matched her hair. She gave us all a friendly smile and began to say something—when Auntie told me to get in the car.

"That asshole over there didn't even try to make a pass at me!"

"I don't understand," I told her.

"Fuck it naysayer, I am an adult and I can feel however I like— Where's Tomo?"

"I asked y—"

"Aw hell I think we left her at the party, she knows the way back home so whatever!" That was the end of the discussion for Auntie. I hope she's right...

"So you were in the Philipines?"

"For like a week. They made a mistake. I was supposed to go to Afghanistan," said Kagura.

"So did you really cap bitches over there?" asked Tomo.

"Sometimes, mostly it was just riding around in some humvee waiting to get shot at or hit with a bomb—"

"But you know how to shoot a gun right?" asked Tomo.

"Yeah, I was a Marine remember? Why?"

"So can you show me how to shoot off a hundred rounds in a minute?"

"Shouldn't you ask your Aunt first?"

"Pfff," Tomo rolled her eyes, "Tomo is nobody's bitch! I ain't gotta listen to nobody!"

"You're Aunt would kill you if she heard that wouldn't she?" asked Kagura. 


End file.
